Prep the oven and pan. Heat the oven to 375°F (190°C). Grease a 9x13-inch baking dish.

Cook the cauliflower. Steam or microwave florets until just tender, about 6–8 minutes fresh or 8–10 minutes frozen. Drain well and pat dry. Excess water makes the bake soupy, so don’t skip drying.

Crisp the bacon. In a large skillet over medium heat, cook bacon until crisp. Remove to a paper towel–lined plate and crumble. Leave 1–2 tablespoons bacon fat in the skillet.

Sauté onion and garlic. Add onion to the skillet and cook until soft, 3–4 minutes. Stir in garlic for 30 seconds. If the pan looks dry, add a little olive oil or butter.

Brown the beef. Add ground beef. Season with salt, pepper, and smoked paprika. Cook until browned, breaking it up with a spatula, about 5–7 minutes. Drain off excess fat if needed.

Flavor the meat. Stir in mustard, tomato paste, Worcestershire, pickle juice, and chopped pickles. Cook 1–2 minutes to meld flavors. Taste and adjust seasoning.

Make the cheese mixture. In a bowl, whisk softened cream cheese with heavy cream until smooth. Stir in 1 cup shredded cheddar. Season lightly with salt and pepper.

Assemble the bake. Spread cauliflower in the baking dish. Top with the beef mixture, then dollop and spread the cream cheese mixture over evenly. Sprinkle with half the crumbled bacon and the remaining 1 cup cheddar.

Bake. Bake uncovered for 18–22 minutes, until bubbly and the cheese is melted and lightly golden.

Finish and serve. Top with remaining bacon and sliced green onions. Let rest 5 minutes for cleaner slices. Serve warm.