Preheat and prep: Heat your oven to 375°F (190°C). Grease a 9x13-inch baking dish. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil for the pasta.

Cook the pasta: Boil pasta until just shy of al dente (about 1 minute less than package directions). Drain and set aside. Toss with a drizzle of olive oil to prevent sticking.

Cook the bacon: In a large skillet, cook bacon until crisp. Transfer to a paper towel–lined plate and crumble. Reserve 1 tablespoon bacon fat in the skillet for extra flavor.

Sauté aromatics: Add the onion to the skillet with the bacon fat (or a touch of olive oil). Cook over medium heat until softened, 3–4 minutes. Stir in garlic and cook 30 seconds.

Brown the beef: Add ground beef, season with salt, pepper, and smoked paprika. Cook, breaking it up, until no longer pink. Drain excess fat if needed.

Build the sauce: Stir in diced tomatoes, ketchup, mustard, BBQ sauce, and cream cheese. Cook on low until the cream cheese melts and the mixture becomes creamy and cohesive. Taste and adjust seasoning.

Add the mix-ins: Fold in chopped pickles and half the crumbled bacon. Stir in half the shredded cheese until it starts to melt.

Combine with pasta: In a large bowl or the pot you used for pasta, mix the meat sauce with the cooked pasta until evenly coated.

Assemble: Spread the mixture into the prepared baking dish. Top with the remaining shredded cheese and the rest of the bacon.

Bake: Bake 15–18 minutes, until the cheese is melted and bubbling around the edges.

Finish with ranch and garnish: Let the casserole rest 5 minutes. Drizzle with ranch, sprinkle with green onions, and add extra chopped pickles if you like.

Serve: Scoop generous portions and, if you want a classic burger vibe, add a side of lettuce, tomato slices, and a few jalapeños.